things in my head

"Life is what happens when you're busy making other plans."  -John Lennon

I feel like this quotation is so relevant to everyone's life right now.  Things always happen when people are so attached to plan making and following rules of how things should be or how things ought to go. In the long run, what the resultant is in the end doesn't always make up for the plans you had to go through. Life is just something out of control, something you can not control no matter how much you plan. So while things in my life now, are let's say, spiraling in all different directions, I'm almost about to let get of the reins and see where it takes me. So much is happening all around me, in more than a physical sense. And that's life. Things are always happening around people and many times people just don't have time to notice. I really feel like no one's ever stopping to smell the roses, and maybe that's what draws me into contemporary photography so much. Just the freeze fame, the close ups, the people stopped in mid step, mid breathe. There's so much around, just stop making plans. Let things go and life will go accordingly.

It takes some getting used to, but I think, after everything, everyone will be okay.

I've been doing alot of thinking, which obviously explains my recent weird behavior. It's the whole growing up, leaving things behind thing that's been getting to me I suppose. I was looking at my facebook pictures before and I realized that there are going to be so many people who I'm never going to see or speak to again. And this is okay because I'll find new people. So I'm not sad at all. Okay, just a little bit. But I think as soon to be highschool graduates, it's okay for me to admit this because we're all a little sad. I know for a fact that a lot is going to change next year. College. Oh, big and scary place. But not really. Okay a little. You see how I'm bouncing back from emotions? The emotional depth of growing up is enough to send me back to kindergarden, where I cried for hours when I cut my hair. I also hit the boy I like in the head with a cardboard block. 

That's totally irrelevant to anything. ANYWAY.

I know alot of people, a more important person comes to mind, who dwell on the fact that we are, indeed, growing up. We're leaving things behind (people, places, pet rabbits...things like that) and moving on. And moving on isn't so bad afterall. The way I see it, leaving things behind is no reason to be sad, or scared. It's a reason to celebrate and rejoice because of the fact that we are moving on. Moving on to what, you ask? Bigger and better things. Moving on to the next phase in our life. Moving on into the BIG PICTURE. So take a few, think about it. Let me give you an example. When I thhink of the BIG PICTURE I see me, next year, at FIT. Walking around the city with my camera in hand, going to photo shoots, getting out of school and having a career and going to cocktail parties with artists and stuff. It may all not happen, but that's my idea of the BIG PICTURE. So what's your BIG PICTURE?

I've got to thinking about endings and about how everything ends and everything is only temporary and life, right now, as we know it, is just temporary. And how scary it is to know that you're 10 seconds closer to dying than you were 10 seconds ago. But because you're closer to dying I believe that now you're 10 seconds closer to living more fulfilled life, just because. 

And I guess, in case you forgot, now is the time to start living. Because, if you don't, now is the time that you will start dying.

The real deal about beauty magazines. There's a difference though between like Seventeen and Glamour and Vogue and InStyle though. Sure, they all sell to make people feel beautiful. Seventeen and Glamour and TeenVogue and Cosmopolitain sell though, because they want to make you feel beautiful with what you have. They tell you how to go about making that faux-Prada bag look Prada, and how you can buy a $20 outfit at Target and look like you're wearing J. Crew. They tell you can work with what you have to feel beautiful. Meanwhile, the big magazines like Vogue and InStyle blatanly put it out there that Fendi Gucci, Louis Vuitton, and Christian Dior will make you feel like a million bucks. So Vogue is a little more brutally honest than those other magazines.

Either way, these magazines suck for the sole purpose that when a person reads them, you feel like crap cause you think 'Gee, I really need those Jimmy Choo's, that pencil skirt from Michael Kors, those Gucci sunglasses. Maybe than I'll feel better'. Stupidest idea ever.  

What, I think, society needs to see more of, are JcPenny and Macy's catalogues. The models are real (the clothes affordable). Like serious, we all wake up and walk around in our bunny slippers (okay ducks too), underwear (which is actually Fruit of the Loom and not Calvin Klein and Victoria's Secret). We drink coffee in mugs that we get from Home Goods and CVS when they're 5 for $2, and not 1 for $30, like in Pottery Barn. We, the dominant part of American, are the middle and lower class. Prada does not appeal to us. $15 tee shirts appeal to us. That, is working with what we have. Losing a pair of $300 Gucci sunglasses is alot worse than losing 10 pairs of $5 sunglasses. Making do with what cheap products we have because hey-they can be easily replaced in a world where black is the new white, is the new pink, is the new whatever. Middle class American is just as good as High class. We're smarter. We buy stuff on sale. We don't preorder and have it specially delivered to us the next day. And when our stuff goes out of style, we'll go buy another one with $20. You'll have to preorder the real deal for $100, wear it once and oh well, it's a vicious cycle.

Life is such a novel.

Valentine's Day is so completely overrated because I think everyday you should tell someone you love them. 
So from now on, I'm going to pick one person, aside from my boyfriend, to say I love you too. And I'll really mean it. And you're the only person in which I'll tell I love you. So if you hear me to say it to you, you're special because I haven't said it to anyone else that day! So happy Valentine's Day everyday!

Monday, February 5th, 2007. I have been adopted for 15 years. My family picked me without knowing who I'd turn out to be, which rules I'd choose to follow, or what morals I would develop. I'm not a perfect teenager, neither is any other teenager. I don't have perfect grades, a perfect complexion, perfect grammar (as much as I'd like to think), and perfect whatever, but they love me none the less. Family isn't so bad after all. My family isn't perfect, neither or my friends, neither is anyone else. And I guess that's why I love everyone I know, because of their flaws. I can't choose who my family is and I can't really choose my friends. I can't choose who I am, because it's just...who I am. 

So after 15 years, I think I've led the good life. Good meaning, healthy. Good meaning rich in love and overall, I have been happy despite the difficult times and the disappointing disappointments...and the toothache that I've developed. I guess when I put it into perspective, I've been generally lucky. Hell, I could be in Thailand right now, working in like a rice field or something. So I'm lucky. Maybe others don't see it like I do, that you're lucky if you've got a family. Someone gave me up for whatever reason, not that I ever wanted to go exploring, but I was given away from a family but I've got a different one now. A great one and I love every member. If you've got a family, love them for their flaws and quirks and mistakes. Love them because while they could have given you away, they kept you. 

Your family chose you without knowing who you'd turn out to be.

It's a quarter to midnight and I feel like I should have something to show for myself after the end of a highly anticipated weekend. Well, after failing my roadtest and a somewhat disappointing interview with FIT, I can say that I feel royally fucked over. I have no job, no license, no honest chance of getting into my dream school. I have feelings of being on edge, anxiety, disappointment, and an 11 pm curfew which, in my quite rebellious nights, I don't give a crap about. I'm complaining, whining if you may. But hold on, I'm not finished here.

Before you suggest me wallowing in my sorrows even further, let me say this one thing: life goes on, so will I, so will you. 

Bad things happen. Bad things pass. The anxiety will lift, I will find a job, a license, and a college. Most importantly, however, I will get what I need. Although I can't say that as smoothly as the Rolling Stones put it. I will find peace of mind and maybe if the whole world would stop feeling sorry for itself, the world would find peace with itself. If the whole world would stop wanting, the whole world would give. And no one would take. And there would be peace of everything. The thought alone gives me some relaxation before I sadly hit the sack at midnight on a Saturday night. 

And so I'd like to end on an opptimistic note, or at least an attempt is in order. But I have nothing else to say, only that no one else can make it better for you. You make it better for you. It's open for interpretation.

If I could create a holiday it would be World Peace and Love Day. It'd be so great, I swear. All the bitterness and hostility would stop and everyone would be happy, just like that. All war would stop and no one would argue or fight or get divorced or die because everyone would just love, plain and simple without complications. There would be no pain and suffering and Third World nations wouldn't be Third World nations anymore because everyone would realize how horrible poverty and starvation is and not being able to provide for your kids is, so everyone would give them food and clothes and water and heat if it's cold and maybe even air condition when it's too hot. No one would hunt animals because there'd be no reason to and no one would kill anyone or leave babies in garbage cans or steal because everything would be free. There would be no AIDS and absolutely no cancer (especially breast cancer and skin cancer) because everyone would care extra that day and work ten times harder to find a cure. Little kids wouldn't get in trouble for breaking things or eating too much candy and old people wouldn't get honked at for driving too slow and minorities wouldn't be minorities and racism and prejudice wouldn't exist because love is love and there is no love in racial discrimination. Everyone would be compassionate and just keep giving and giving and caring and loving and shaking hands with enemies and making new friends and hug everyone. Lovers would make love all day long and never go anywhere because there'd be nothing to do that day except love and be loved. And no one would have to worry about waking up to go to work and everyone would be where they want to be and love whomever they wanted to because love is great and even though it doesn't solve any problems and sometimes it makes problems worse, it wouldn't that day. It would just be plain and simple love all day.

Does anything really ever have definition? Dictionary and scientific textbooks aside, what do you really know for sure. What does it mean to say that something is beautiful? What is beautiful to me may be horrific to you. What is art to you may be garbage to me. And the list can continue forever. What is beauty. What is art. What is love and what is god. What is wit, what is flavor, what is creaitivity, what is talent, what is trendy, what is a good grade, what is equality, what is peace, what is justice, what is perfection.

Everything in life is a question and there are no wrong answers. Maybe that's whhy life is so great, because if you transcend everything, no one is ever wrong. And maybe if everyone always thought like this, as if you could never be wrong, no one would be afraid. And maybe if there was never any right answers, people would always be right. You love whomever you wanted and be who you wanted and say what you wanted and be free and nothing   would    ever    be   wrong. 



I love that idea. 

i just want you to be happy that's all. and not regret anything. and to find someone to love even if they don't love you back because then you'd know how much you hurt me. even though that's all over. i just want you to be happy. you deserve it. you've waited for it. and now that i'm happy, it's your turn. just love. that's all. just love.

I've been thinking ahead just as much as the next persons. I've been making plans and I've been wondering where I will be in 10, 15 years. I am greatly attached to the future because every new day is a day that isn't yesterday, if that makes any sense whatsoever. There will be different people and different places and different things to feel. And maybe that's what the future is; maybe it's more of a feeling than something that is always a step ahead of you, teasing you because you can never quite reach it. Maybe it is a place of being, a place that does exist. More or less of a goal, it's for you to figure out. What you do with your time now is up to you and what you do to get to the future. Well, that's up to you too. Philisophists always says 'Carpe Diem! Seize the day!' but it's only human to think about tomorrow. Think about what's going on next weekend. Think about you'll be married to and if you will carry out the buisness major and be who you wanted to be. Status wise, you can be who you want to be, but are you ever really happy with that? I'm not saying I'm not happy. I'm exactly where I want to be; I'm happy. But it never turns out how you want it to. There's always something you can change, even if it's the smallest, slightest details. Which is okay, because like I said. We're humans and humans only expect change. In fact, humans live by change. And change will only happen in the future if you make it happen now. My addiction to thinking forward in life is wearing thin now. It could be the case of senioritis that I have or it could be my lack of sleep. Most likely it's that I feel so inspired by life that I don't know in which direction I could direct this journal entry. You could project yourself into the future, which I've been doing, and you could stay put. But nothing's ever permanent. If you're unhappy you will be happy. Unfortunatly, if you're happy, you will be unhappy. 

You're not alone though.

I noticed, today, that I'm happier than I've been in a while. Maybe ever. And this is good. And I wanted to thank all the people that have contributed to my happiness and all the good things. And I wanted to thank all the bad things, too. I noticed that my happiness isn't based on perfection, and that hardly anyone's ever is. Just because I'm happy doesn't mean that things are going according to plan. In fact, things never go according to plan. This contributes to my happiness in such an enormous way that maybe my happiness is the cause of all my unhappiness. It's because of this, that I can appreciate all these good things that are occuring. It's because of this that I can smile at the small things and smile even bigger when there's a roadblock. And I know that everything in life is always only temporary. I know that this happiness will pass and I'm positive that I will be unhappy in the future, but I know that once that all passes I'll be happy again. 
And unhappy. 
And happy. 
And so on and so on. 
It's so imperfect that how can I not help to love it. To love people that have hurt me and to love people that love me and to love people I hate and to love challenges and to love pain and anger and sickness. 
Love and be happy because of all the imperfections, rather than perfections.

I was on the train today and looking down at all the cars and all the people that were walking by. And I thought to myself, how many people do we pass by everyday? You know how sometimes you just need to know someone different and know a different story? Well everyone has a different story and everyone has a different life. So everyday we pass by thousands of different stories. It's strange because we never really notice these things.

And if we stopped to talk to each and every one of these people, would we be affected? Would we affect them? We'd be added into their history of all the people that they've talked to, so therefore we'd be in a story. We'd be in a thousand different stories. It's amazing. It's strange. And most of all, it's life.

yeah I was just thinking how it's so pretty in the fall.

On the topic of change. 

I'll change the names around so identities will be kept safe. Years ago I hung out with let's say Jack and his friend Mike, who was very quiet and reserved. I didn't talk to Mike much because Jack was the outgoing and loud one. Well a few years later and it's Mike that's keeping me up till late hours of the morning and Jack barely knows I exist. It's just amazing how this change happens to fall in place with everything. It happens to the people that you least expect it to, which I suspect is part of that fact that we are indeed growing up. We put these people on our string of life, as beads, and we don't forget them. We leave people behind but bring new people forward. It's a vicious cylce that keeps going on and on, but all these people I know I've loved them. Each and every one of them for their little flaws and quirks and the things that make them individuals. Sure, I may forget them one day, but I won't forget the sum, the very large sum of them that have all had some effect on me, even if it's still small. They've all given me a little peice of their spirit and I'll always be thankful for the things they've shared with me.

It'd be a total understatement if I say that life is good.

 

 

Because life is great when you give it half a chance.

Freshman year you're considered a loser if you go to bed before 10:00.

Going to bed before 10:00 during Senior Year makes you a very lucky person.

"There is in the worst of fortunes the best chance of a happy ending."
                 -Chinese fortune


This is the most truth I've believed in a long time.